People ask how we're doing and I can usually tell them that we're doing great! I'm finding that I have a really real peace over Scott's death. I know many people find that hard to believe and it's even hard for me to explain. All I can say is that "peace that passes understanding" is real. I figure that God has a lot to do with giving me peace but aside from my faith maybe it's because when True was born that marked our new beginning in the most profound way. So, I'm just so happy being a mom to my kids. I don't wish Scott back from paradise, I just look forward to meeting him again there someday. Our anniversary came and went. I discovered that the worst part was the anticipation that it was going to be a difficult day. When the day came I made some plans with friends and it turned out to be a fun day. Then there was Thanksgiving and that too ended up being a beautiful special holiday with friend and family. Christmas is coming and I'm not sure how that will feel but I won't know until I get there.

It's not that I never feel sad, I do. When I find myself feeling sad I've discovered it's usually because I'm remembering the hard struggle of battling with brain cancer and the disappointments of losing the fight. I try not to remember that.

Instead, I think how lucky I am that I was given one great romance in my life. A love and a marriage sweeter than I could have ever imagined. Maybe I'll be so blessed that God will grant me another great romance, husband and father, some day. Here's the answer to the question people don't like to ask. Yes, while Scott was alive we did talk about my getting remarried. He really wanted me to get married again, for me and for the kids. He hoped that the kids would have a real flesh and blood dad to raise them with me. And like I've said before, Scott and I loved being married and he told me he wanted that for me again too. I don't know how that's going to happen but I'm sure God's got a plan.

That's the update for now, I'll make the next one more about the kids. I love talking about them!!!

Merry Christmas

Michele

True and mommy at 4 1/2 months






Josephine is always having fun with her Aunty Lonnie

Halloween 2005 True's not nearly as excited as Josephine.
Two handsome men. True and my brother Mike.

Finally Pictures!
At the hospital after True's birth
A sunny August Day on a friends boat

True's first bath and Josephine's a helper

What I Learned From My 2 Year Old

It's October and Scott died 4 months ago. Josephine turned 2 in July. I'm amazed at how much she is aware of and her memory of him.

My husband and I had a strong faith in God and I believe that he is in heaven. So when my daughter and I talk about daddy, I often tell her that "He had to go away. He loves us very much. We love him very much. He's happy. He's in heaven."

The other day, we were having a conversation about daddy and for the first time I asked her what she thought daddy was doing in heaven. It's interesting, but I hadn't put a lot of thought into that myself. So she said, "He's dancing." You see, Scott and I loved to dance. We met swing dancing and often danced with each other in front of her. While I was pregnant with Josephine we were even taking tap lessons together.

I said, "Yes, I bet he is dancing or maybe he's reading." And the game went on like that. Now when she brings up daddy, we talk about what he might be doing "right now". Dancing, swimming, reading, eating, singing. I love it. This conversation with my two year old has been so healing for me. I'm reminded me that Scott isn't just gone. If I believe in heaven then I guess I have to believe that he's doing something there right now just as I'm doing something here.

People often say to me that he's at rest now. Well, if I know Scott, the last thing he is doing right now is resting. He got plenty of rest while he was battling cancer. I think he's dancing.

(side note: I actually wrote this about a month ago but it took a while to post it)

The kids are in bed. Hallelujah! I'm going to try and continue to keep this journal going for myself, the kids and anyone else who would like to see how we are doing from time to time. But no guarantees. You see, with a two year old and an infant my home is a constant buzz and my hands are full.

I love them so much. I wasn't sure how it was going to feel after True was born. I thought that it just might be really sad raising two little ones without Scott. Instead, I look at them and my heart is just filled with LOVE. I once had the joy of so often saying "I love being a wife!!" now everyday I'm overcome with, "I love being a mom!" It's so exhausting. I've realized that if one kid is 1 times the work, than two kids is 4 times the work. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Being a mom is the number one calling God has placed on my life since Scott died. Before that it was to be wife and care for my husband. It's such a great honor to raise them and be the most important influence in their life right now.

True is turning out to be the perfect baby. He's colicky and is showing no signs of slowing. It's hard on Josephine because she doesn't like her brother to be upset so she offers suggestions on what True might need. In her panicked little voice she'll say, "OH NO, True's crying. He needs breast milk!" or "We have to help him. His tummy hurts!" or "Can you put him in the Baby Bjorn Momma?". She is such a sweet heart and we love baby True.

Gotta go take a shower, clean up the house, pay a few bills and get to bed.

Blessing!

Michele

Great News! Our baby has arrived.

True Jackson Gray was born
July 7th, 2005
He weighs 6lbs exactly and is 19.5 inches

Mama and baby are both happy and healthy at home now. Just as with all new babies he's feeding often and keeping me up at night but he's such a joy. When there's a spare minute from baby I'm giving Josephine as much love and security as I can to help her adjust to two big changes in her world - - daddy being gone and a new baby in the house. So far she's not too jealous of the attention he gets but we've been blessed to have Quinn helping us. Quinn has been helping us with Josephine since January and is truly a gift from God. She has been another stable consistant presence in Josephines life and that's just what she needs.

True means "a faithful and loyal man". These are two character traits that I admired most about True's dad. His middle name, Jackson, is a name that Scott chose but it doesn't have any significant meaning. Scott just really liked that name.

For me, the name True is also a reminder of a verse that I'm holding onto more dearly than ever these days.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever, is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things. [Philippians 4:8].

Isn't that beautiful! Our son is reminder of God's excellence and love. I can't wait to discover the person God has created him to be. This verse also reminds me of the pure goodness that so many of you have shown to our family as you have supported us and taken care of us this past year and a half. As I share with our kids the story of their mother and fathers life together, the amazing goodness we received from others will always be a huge part of it. This verse is how I want to continue to live and what I will strive to teach my children.

Thank you to everyone who has already passed on good wishes and blessings for the arrival of True! It means so much to receive your joyful notes and letters. Let me apologize in advance for not returning emails or phone calls. Scott and I were a great team, but as a single mom with a newborn, a toddler, a house to run and adjusting to life without my best teammate, things get done on a very different time schedule. Please keep your expectations very low for returning phone call and checking emails.

Thank You and Bless You!

Michele

Hello Everyone,

Here are some final thoughts on how I’m making sense out of all of this. Scott and I have always believed that God gives every marriage a purpose for serving Him. We had thought that maybe we would teach a class together or help young couples with pre-marital counseling. Now I know for certain that a big part of God’s purpose for our marriage was to go through this battle with brain cancer and share our experience with all of you. Thank you for letting us do that and giving us so much support along the way.

Looking ahead, our little family has a lot of changes to adjust to over this next year and beyond. My hope and strength still rests in the God that has much more for me to do. First I’m called to be a mother to our little ones and then I’m praying about how God is going to continue to use this experience to help others and serve Him.

This is a very hard time for me. Josephine and I are taking things one day at a time and grieving the loss of my honey and her dada. Josephine has needed a lot of stability around her and she still asks to “go see dada” so we’re working though that. I am so grateful to be surrounded by the love and compassion of caring people who are helping me emotionally, spiritually, and practically. I’m amazed at how busy I am getting things squared away legally and financially while preparing our home for the coming baby. I can’t wait to meet him!

I have one more request from all of you that would mean so much to me and the kids!! I’m gathering together things for the children that will teach them more about who their father was. I would love it if you could send me any stories, short or long, funny or serious, on your memories or experience with knowing Scott. I’m going to put them together and give it to them at the appropriate time when they are older. Thanks so so much. You can send the stories back to me here or send them to me at home, 1751 N. Talman Ave. Chicago, IL 60647. Thank you.

All our love to you,

Michele, Josephine and Baby Gray

This is a copy of the tribute I wrote for Scott that was read at his memorial service. Some of you have asked for a copy and others of you who couldn’t be there might enjoy reading it.

Michele


Today I have the privilege to honor Scott, my husband and our children’s father. I couldn’t be a prouder wife. I want people to know that Scott’s greatest achievements in life had nothing to do with the things he did but it was the virtue and character he possessed that made him so amazing and special. I’ll share a story that might explain that better. A few months ago when Scott’s muscles were getting weaker and his language was an everyday struggle, my sister and I were able to get him out of the house one day for a walk. Two young girls passed by us on the sidewalk. They were probably 12 or 13 years old and as they passed by one of the girls shot us a look that said, “who do you think you are walking on my piece of pavement.” I immediately thought to myself, “what bad attitudes”. Then Scott spoke and said, “she has so much pain.” His heart was broken for her as he continued. Struggling to get the right words he said, “she probably hates me but she doesn’t know that I have nothing”. Meaning that he was so sick. And then he said, “but I have everything, and I want her to know that I love her.” Scott saw right past her attitude and into her heart and he loved her. He even wanted to go back and tell her but decided not to because he knew how hard it would be to communicate. This is the Scott that I want you to remember. This is the Scott that I had the privilege of telling so often, “I want to be more like you.” He made me a better person and a better wife.

Scott was transformed by the things he learned throughout his life. He worked hard and even studied to learn about God and understand people and relationships. Anyone who’s ever been into our house would know this from Scott’s extensive book collection. I’m so proud of him for this but Scott would give all the credit to the God who transformed him, our Lord Jesus Christ.

He never lost his faith and trust in the Lord. As his body broke down, Scott’s spirit only shown brighter for all of us to see. It was so beautiful and inspirational to watch Scott and hear him and learn from him. Even on the hardest days his heart was filled with love and hope in Jesus. Jesus never failed him or us.

Scott and I talked about what he wanted me to tell you today. What he would want people to know at his funeral.

He said this,
“What I really want is to shine about everything I’ve been called to.
To remind people to walk with the Lord and enjoy him.
Remember to worship.
Remember Christ.
I want so many people to be touched by the Lord and not to be discouraged. I want them to be encouraged.
We don’t know what it’s going to be like in our futures but we can know that we are all going to be together. I’m praying that everyone would know Jesus Christ.”

That is what Scott said he wanted for today.

On behalf of Scott and myself I want to thank you for the incredible outpouring of love and support and prayers. You have profoundly blessed us. Throughout this battle, you often heard Scott say he felt he would beat this brain cancer because “God had more for him to do.” At times, as things got worse, even I wondered if this could be true. But then, over the past months he started to say this instead. He said, “I don’t want people to be discouraged because I know that God has so much more for them to do.” Remember this.

My comfort comes from knowing that God has done as he promised and he has restored my husband. Scott has eternal life in heaven with our great and mighty God! He is strong again, he is whole again, he can speak again and sing and worship the Lord once again. And I know that God still has much more for us and him to do.